Right-o, mild-mannered kid right here. My name is Jessy, currently residing in Smaller America, Canada. So, you may know me, may not, but realize this: I'm simply here to publish some pieces and hopefully receive some constructive criticism *wink wink nudge nudge* on my short stories.
Maybe write a memoir, too.
.
.
.
.
Haha kidding, frightened you there huh? You thought I was another one of those bloggers with their emo-esque complaints on life, eh? Well, I'm not familiar with the blogger stereotype so I wouldn't know.
Like.. seriously the stories are short. It's more short than story.
Still, I hope you enjoy it more than I pretend I don't.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Worst Day Scenario
I slammed my fists down on the roof of the worn Volkswagen and moaned for a period of time. I could hear some clanking inside the car, a sure sign of my car being broken beyond repair.
‘Worst day ever,’ I promised myself as I wiped bird excrement off my sore hand.
It just couldn’t get any worse. First thing this morning, I found out my girlfriend had broken up with me without notice. She just upped and left my life. Well, to be more precise, shut me out of the flat that we bought together but was in her name. It had seriously occurred to me as a good idea at the time. How was I supposed to know her dog was allergic to doggy treats? They’re for dogs for heaven’s sake. The only thing she left me were the clothes on my back and a crappy car. I didn’t include the maxed out credit card for obvious reasons.
So I drove. Drove far away to… okay, so I got lost. I also ran out of gas, so I pushed my car to a curb in a rather lifeless neighbourhood of duplexes. Naturally, I sat there moaning for quite some time before I got out and decided to go look for a gas station. I didn’t have anything to put the gas in so I ‘borrowed’ a watering bucket from some house and started to walk towards a major intersection. As I walked on, a pitiless officer gave my car a ticket. I swore out loud and started to run back before I thought better of it. The car was in her name anyways. So I continued to look for a gas station.
How I was going to pay for the gas, I had thought while filling up the bucket was beyond me since I didn’t have much on me except for a hundred dollar bill, but who wants to break a hundred? So I resorted to the only thing a person who didn’t want to break a hundred would do. I finished gassing the bucket and smoothly walked inside and punched the cashier unconscious. Then I ran, tripping along the way, out of the door and grabbed the bucket while spilling a fair amount onto my shoes.
So I ran the whole way back to my car, feeling the lactic acid building up in my muscles the whole way, and paused next to my car, taking a breather while looking down at a quarter full bucket of gas. It smelled like gas stations. Then I looked up, to which I yelled, ‘fuck!’
Some car was double parked and the catch was that it’s double parked next to me, promptly blocking my way out.
So here was where my story started, cursing and punching my car, when a really, ugly old man saw my pathetic figure sitting next to a bucket of gas. As I said, things couldn’t get any worse.
‘You, you smell like gas, sonny. Kids like you are the reason for ghettos,’ smirked the wrinkled bag of skin.
‘Yeah, well look, someone double parked me,’ I say as I point at my car. ‘Did you, by any chance, see the driver?’
‘Are you going to commit grand theft auto, son? I’m watching you, boy. I’m watching.’
‘No, I just need to get home.’
‘Eh? If I see you doing anything to that car… I’ll tell on you,’ he threatened.
‘Tell who?’
‘Mr. Johnson,’ he pointed at the duplex behind me, while continuing to leer at me.
‘Right.’ I flipped him off and went to knock on Johnson’s door.
I hear some shouting behind the door, and soon enough, a short, gruff man appeared and firmly told me to state what the fuck my business was.
I was tired by now. Too tired to bother with anyone’s bullshit.
‘Your car is double parking mine. It’s blocking my car.’
He glanced at it casually and gave me the same smirk the old man gave me, and then said, ‘So?’
‘So could you park elsewhere?’ I pointed at my wrist for added effect but for some reason I wasn’t wearing my watch today, so it invariably lessened the effect.
‘Yeah well, you can’t do much about it can you?’
This struck me as strange since he was smaller than me but it soon became clear a second after he struck me in the stomach quite hard. Then he kicked me down the steps and slammed the door shut.
I groaned and said, ‘fuck…’ to summarize my mental and physical pain to who ever was watching my painful day.
I rubbed my eyes open and felt the bump on my head.
Apparently I was out for quite some time because it was dark now.
Or some sort of eclipse was occurring.
Then I realized it wasn’t some eclipse.
It was a giant piece of cosmological rock, experiencing gravity for the first time on Earth, and coincidentally aimed directly at me.
‘My fucked up day just crapped on my face,’ I said aloud for anyone who was listening.
Things did get worse. A lot worse.
********************
‘And that’s how I got here.’ I say to Peter, the gatekeeper of heaven.
‘Hey buddy, don’t lie, I got your records here.’ He raises an eyebrow. ‘Hello? This is my line of work, buddy, figuring out how you died and what you did wrong is my business. I know you died of strangulation by your girlfriend because you fed her dog a shoe. Like seriously? A shoe? You’re lucky I’m going send you back to Earth because you’re so stupid. Go to school or something.’
I stare at him then decide to give a final effort to get into heaven.
‘C’mon!’
‘Sorry, you should know by now you don’t get pity points for lying.’
Then he ejected my soul into space, where I floated a millennium to Earth where I found out it became a volcanic world due to global warming.
‘Worst day ever,’ I promised myself as I wiped bird excrement off my sore hand.
It just couldn’t get any worse. First thing this morning, I found out my girlfriend had broken up with me without notice. She just upped and left my life. Well, to be more precise, shut me out of the flat that we bought together but was in her name. It had seriously occurred to me as a good idea at the time. How was I supposed to know her dog was allergic to doggy treats? They’re for dogs for heaven’s sake. The only thing she left me were the clothes on my back and a crappy car. I didn’t include the maxed out credit card for obvious reasons.
So I drove. Drove far away to… okay, so I got lost. I also ran out of gas, so I pushed my car to a curb in a rather lifeless neighbourhood of duplexes. Naturally, I sat there moaning for quite some time before I got out and decided to go look for a gas station. I didn’t have anything to put the gas in so I ‘borrowed’ a watering bucket from some house and started to walk towards a major intersection. As I walked on, a pitiless officer gave my car a ticket. I swore out loud and started to run back before I thought better of it. The car was in her name anyways. So I continued to look for a gas station.
How I was going to pay for the gas, I had thought while filling up the bucket was beyond me since I didn’t have much on me except for a hundred dollar bill, but who wants to break a hundred? So I resorted to the only thing a person who didn’t want to break a hundred would do. I finished gassing the bucket and smoothly walked inside and punched the cashier unconscious. Then I ran, tripping along the way, out of the door and grabbed the bucket while spilling a fair amount onto my shoes.
So I ran the whole way back to my car, feeling the lactic acid building up in my muscles the whole way, and paused next to my car, taking a breather while looking down at a quarter full bucket of gas. It smelled like gas stations. Then I looked up, to which I yelled, ‘fuck!’
Some car was double parked and the catch was that it’s double parked next to me, promptly blocking my way out.
So here was where my story started, cursing and punching my car, when a really, ugly old man saw my pathetic figure sitting next to a bucket of gas. As I said, things couldn’t get any worse.
‘You, you smell like gas, sonny. Kids like you are the reason for ghettos,’ smirked the wrinkled bag of skin.
‘Yeah, well look, someone double parked me,’ I say as I point at my car. ‘Did you, by any chance, see the driver?’
‘Are you going to commit grand theft auto, son? I’m watching you, boy. I’m watching.’
‘No, I just need to get home.’
‘Eh? If I see you doing anything to that car… I’ll tell on you,’ he threatened.
‘Tell who?’
‘Mr. Johnson,’ he pointed at the duplex behind me, while continuing to leer at me.
‘Right.’ I flipped him off and went to knock on Johnson’s door.
I hear some shouting behind the door, and soon enough, a short, gruff man appeared and firmly told me to state what the fuck my business was.
I was tired by now. Too tired to bother with anyone’s bullshit.
‘Your car is double parking mine. It’s blocking my car.’
He glanced at it casually and gave me the same smirk the old man gave me, and then said, ‘So?’
‘So could you park elsewhere?’ I pointed at my wrist for added effect but for some reason I wasn’t wearing my watch today, so it invariably lessened the effect.
‘Yeah well, you can’t do much about it can you?’
This struck me as strange since he was smaller than me but it soon became clear a second after he struck me in the stomach quite hard. Then he kicked me down the steps and slammed the door shut.
I groaned and said, ‘fuck…’ to summarize my mental and physical pain to who ever was watching my painful day.
I rubbed my eyes open and felt the bump on my head.
Apparently I was out for quite some time because it was dark now.
Or some sort of eclipse was occurring.
Then I realized it wasn’t some eclipse.
It was a giant piece of cosmological rock, experiencing gravity for the first time on Earth, and coincidentally aimed directly at me.
‘My fucked up day just crapped on my face,’ I said aloud for anyone who was listening.
Things did get worse. A lot worse.
********************
‘And that’s how I got here.’ I say to Peter, the gatekeeper of heaven.
‘Hey buddy, don’t lie, I got your records here.’ He raises an eyebrow. ‘Hello? This is my line of work, buddy, figuring out how you died and what you did wrong is my business. I know you died of strangulation by your girlfriend because you fed her dog a shoe. Like seriously? A shoe? You’re lucky I’m going send you back to Earth because you’re so stupid. Go to school or something.’
I stare at him then decide to give a final effort to get into heaven.
‘C’mon!’
‘Sorry, you should know by now you don’t get pity points for lying.’
Then he ejected my soul into space, where I floated a millennium to Earth where I found out it became a volcanic world due to global warming.
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